Forty-Four Tweets By People Handling Adulthood Just Fine

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  • 01
    Text - Osama Bin Drinkin @SirAustinOfDunn My girlfriend is currently crying because she thought the $70 she wanted to spend on "adopting" a koala bear from the Australian brush fires was actually going to physically get her a koala bear. Like they would just Fedex that shit to us, and not just her become a sponsor. 10:32 PM · 03 Jan 20 from Texas, USA · Twitter for iPhone
  • 02
    Text - The Sassiest Semite @LittleMissLizz I've literally thought the Mandalorian was a hotel in Vegas this entire goddamn time. 5:24 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 03
    Text - Sin & Tonic EI @CrownsAndThings I dunno why they call it a She Shed and not a Slut Hut. Seems like a missed opportunity to me 9:17 PM · 1/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 04
    Text - Chris Burns @fatcarriebshaw Me every New Year's Eve:I can feel it, I know I said it last year but I really feel like this is gonna be my year!! Me in March: well I have 9 months.. Me in June: well it's almost summer people aren't in work mode anymore Me in December: Next years totally gonna be my year! 11:10 AM · 12/31/19 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 05
    Text - Chris Burns @fatcarriebshaw I turn 30 in 4 months and don't think that's enough time for me to get married, have two kids, own a house and have a 401K but at least l'm also broke as shit lol I'm kidding l'm okay with my choices lol Imao lol lol haha 6:01 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 06
    Text - Morgan Bailey @MoreMorganB Skies over Auckland are proper apocalyptic @VWeatherWatchNZ
  • 07
    Text - Nacho @JalalapenO.4d 30'S PEOPLE BORN IN THE 1990'S HERE IT COMES 2737.1K 105K 481 @keminess Replying to @Jalalapeno We thought we were immune
  • 08
    Text - Text - Last night my husband was drunk and kissed me and said "you're the hottest girlfriend l've ever had" and I was like "I'm your wife" and he was like "OMG THATS AWESOME"
  • 09
    Text - Text - There's a girl in front of me on the bus having a full FaceTime call outloud with her parents so l put my face in the camera and said, "Honey, I had no idea I was meeting your parents today." I will enter your personal life if you enter my personal space.
  • 10
    Vertebrate - juaevs CMae Ns Or MA 2/3 Audrey @audreynnunez How rumors go out vs What really happened Imao
  • 11
    Text - Text - Euthimo2000 @Euthimo2000 One of my friends blocked me on all social media for sending him memes but now we're printing them and sending them to his house in a folder Imao, you can't escape the shitposts that easily
  • 12
    Cat - 70P £4.19 22.75 No one is allowed to be mad about it ArSA GuC 1429 E2 £2.49 £1.10 £6 This Cat Walks Into Grocery Store, Steals Some Treats And Ends Up Taking A Nap YOUTUBE.COM
  • 13
    Text - Text - George Wallace O @MrGeorgeWallace 'll straight up eat a club sandwich at a cottage and cottage cheese at the club I really don't give a shit anymore. 9/14/18, 11:40 PM 6,619 Retweets 45.4K Likes
  • 14
    Text - Son of Dad @ThugRaccoons Therapist: So, the root of your problem goes back to his love of Careless Whisper? Wife: He won't stop playing that stupid song. Me: I refuse to live in a saxless marriage. 6:22 AM · 1/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 15
    Text - Text - Barry Zuckerkorn @Jawwwwwsh Ijust saw a dad in cargo shorts on a riding mower shoot some finger pistols at another dad on a riding mower what a fucking power move
  • 16
    Face - Pop Radar @ThePopRadar PR Well they didn't say what year R Pop Radar @ThePopRadar · 9/6/19 Rihanna and Adele will release their new albums in December, as confirmed by Universal Music.
  • 17
    Text - Forward March @RunOldMan Thate when I get cookie crumbs all over the floor because then I have to brush them under the couch before she sees them. 11:14 AM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for Android
  • 18
    Text - Meghan @shesallfreckles why does he even like her?? she seems so fucking lame.. .i say to myself, alone on the couch on a saturday evening, getting excited bc i threw goldfish in the air & caught them in my mouth 5:54 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 19
    Text - Classic Dad Moves @classicdad 3 minutes and Dads when Phil Collins - In The 40 seconds later Air Tonight starts
  • 20
    Text - Text - Jules @SaltyCorpse You have this 3 pound organ in your skull that's so fucking amazing it literally defies the laws of its own construction and you use it to watch the Bachelor and be a cunt. 11/28/18, 11:35 AM
  • 21
    Text - Cydni Beer @cydbeer Husband "I thought you were dieting?" Me "I am" Husband "You just ate 6 Oreos" Me "Yes but l want to eat 12. See - Dieting"
  • 22
    Heat - Welcome to your 30's
  • 23
    Text - *Two guys talking about Tesla Cybertruck "Why would you want that?" "It's so ugly it's cool, and I want it." "I'm still waiting for someone to say that about me." Coverheardla
  • 24
    Text - Go Ask Your Dad @_goaskyourdad_ Dear dads, How do you sit on the toilet so long without your legs going numb? Sincerely, A mom who wants in on the shenanigans 12:40 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 25
    Text - Angry Barman @angry_barman We make eye contact from across the bar. She's wearing a red dress and a devils smile. She's the kind of trouble I live for. The crowd parts as she saunters towards me. She leans in close. Fuck she smells good. Her lips right on my ear she asks "CAN YOU CHARGE MY PHONE FOR ME?" 11:35 PM 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 26
    Text - Nonchalant Charlotte @jellybnbonanza I guess putting "as fuck" after all my qualifications on my resume isn't giving me the boost in my job hunt I had expected. 7:37 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 27
    Text - The Untastic Mr. Fitz @UnFitz Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars. 6:36 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPad
  • 28
    Dog - luşț man @almalah1411 Stay with who looks at you like that 71.5K views 7:05 PM · 1/2/20 · Twitter for Android
  • 29
    Text - mink. @minkpinkustink if you really wanted me to get more vitamins you'd stop telling me to eat healthy and just put them in my cocktails 10:15 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter Web App
  • 30
    Text - Garrett with two 'T's @stereofiasco 'Schrödinger's Doorbell' is the result of being so high you forget who your last phone call was to and until you answer it, it could be both pizza and Chinese. It's always the cops, though. 2:57 PM · 4/20/19 · Twitter Web Client
  • 31
    Text - Dave @pittdave13 Brain: Don't make this weird Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos 5:45 AM · 6/17/19 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 32
    Text - Eternal Samnation @portmanteauface "Well I suppose this was inevitable" | say to my overflowing laundry hamper while wearing nothing but a white tuxedo jacket and a pair of umbros from 1994 4:20 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 33
    Text - hedrk @thehedrk just ordered 6 boxes of Girl Scout cookies if you ladies like a man that can party 8:22 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter Web App
  • 34
    Black-and-white - Al Dente @six_2_and_even roof cod weicome bienvenido wiom கே்் bienvenue सथातम् bem vinde bhasa do ming benvenud byeneni 5:11 PM : 1/4/20 . Twitter for iPhone.
  • 35
    Text - Jack Boot @lamJackBoot What I hate most about the new Star Wars movies is that none of them have turned me back into an eleven year old. 8:16 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for Android
  • 36
    Text - Swim Jeans N @ShortSleeveSuit Mahalo = thank you Pahalo = thank you for not touching %3D the thermostat 4:12 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 37
    Text - Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal The way a colonel rips the stripes off a demoted soldier's uniform, but it's my 3 year old removing the "best dad ever" trophy he gave me from the side of the fridge because I wouldn't give him ice cream for lunch. 3:02 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 38
    Text - the drake gatsby 8 @DrakeGatsby Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho Scientist: There's evidence they were scavengers Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin- Scientist: They wore socks with sandals 9:22 AM - 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 39
    Text - Vision Bored @VisionBored1 Thank you for loading the dishwasher but you did it wrong ~ a love letter to my husband 1:20 PM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 40
    Text - CountedOut 9 @GervonDexter If my momma said l'm a 5 star then I'm a 5 star stephaniedexter @stephaniedexte7 · 1d Under Armour All- America week: Not many, if any created the buzz this week like Dexter. The future Florida Gator Stock report really made a strong case for that fifth star. There just aren't many like him at his size. He is an athletic defensive lineman who will still need to improve his technique and moves off the ball, but he was dominant much of the time with still so much
  • 41
    Text - Jada Wada @JadaMariaaa i hate detroit so fucking much somebody broke into my car and only took my benihana leftovers. 5:56 PM · 1/3/20 from Detroit, MI - Twitter for iPhone
  • 42
    Text - planty @lts_Planty It's time I admit this to everyone, but I literally don't drink anything responsibly
  • 43
    Text - Rachel Wenitsky @RachelWenitsky One time I ate so much Trader Joe's tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said "for the kids only" and that's just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history 7:53 AM · 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone 218 Retweets 11.2K Likes Rachel Wenitsky @RachelWenitsky · 3h A lot of people are saying like "omg I did this when I was 16" and I want to be clear that this happened when I was 24.
  • 44
    Text - Chris Burns @fatcarriebshaw Me: it's my day off I don't wanna stress at all I'm just gonna run a few errands and then head home for a peaceful day Me a half hour later: C CITIZEN 3m ago 100 Feet Away Fist Fight at Victoria's Secret at 139 Flatbush Ave 9:14 AM - 1/2/20 · Twitter for iPhone

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